Here we go again

It has officially been too long since I have updated, however I must work in the morning so I shall keep this brief.

I was in a bit of a slump for quite some time last year, hence the lack of blog.

I have managed to find the most remarkable girlfriend, I have a rough plan of where I want the next year to take me, and I have recently come into possession of a cat.

More to follow soon.

Return of the Grocery Bag!

Wow, it's really been 3 months hasn't it? But what a 3 months it has been! Much has changed in the life of our plucky hero, I moved out of my wife's parents house in the middle of January into a 3 bedroom apartment with two friends. I should at this point state that if it were not for both these fine gents, as well as the other assortment of friends who duck in and out of the apartment on a regular basis then I would have completely lost the plot. They rock.

The apartment is cool, I finally got to put up some paintings I bought back home from a very cool lady, I learned the ancient art of laundry, I keep my room tidy, I buy groceries, pay rent, I sleep on a mattress, but I bought a pretty neat computer desk.

I brought sexy back.

I have been learning how to cook, I made scrambled eggs for the first time in my life the other night, I made everyone little Cuban toasted sandwiches (minus the roast pork) tonight. Sure I burned stew a few weeks ago, but I have been enjoying myself in the kitchen. I never thought I would like cooking, but it would seem that I do.

I made new friends, and reconnected with some old ones.

I learned a lot of new stuff in work, the fact that I have a job that I genuinely enjoy going to everyday was a big factor in my decision to not simply high-tail it back to Belfast as soon my marriage was pulled out from under my feet.

I found out my green card may take as long as October to arrive, which sucks, but there isn't a thing I can do about it.

I thought about dating, a lot. Any fool can tell a girlfriend is the very last thing I need right now, but I'm not just any fool, I'm like some sort of magical super fool. And I did just go from being joined at the hip with someone to sleeping on a mattress (not that I don't like my mattress, its comfy) by myself.

Needless to say, Valentines day was rough on me.

I feel alright though, bills aren't so bad, I can eat well, I have enough left to but lots of CD's, I can save up for a guitar and a camera. I have good friends, a good job and for the first time I really feel like my life is my own.

If I could only figure out what to do about it.

By the way, did I mention that I brought sexy back?

An inspirational message for the new year

40 Inspirational Speeches in Two Minutes - watch more funny videos

I love the internet

My cackhanded haiku

What the fucking hell?

Japanese poems abound

Crazy fucking yanks.

Yes we did. And Yes I will

I feel indescribable right now.

I couldn't vote, not being a citizen and all that, I can ( and did ) donate to 3 progressive democrats.

Two of them are still having their results tallied, both races are neck in neck.

The other is now President-Elect of the United States of America. (that felt damn good to type)

All this helped me to answer a question that has been hounding me since I set foot in this country, the citizenship question.

Becoming a full citizen means revoking my British citizenship, I would not be able to go back to Northern Ireland for longer than 3 months. If anything happened I would be on my own, my family would not be able to fly me home anymore. The beautiful, bizarre land of Ulster, with its rocky coasts, rolling green fields and those stark, yet strangely comforting slate gray skies, would no longer be my true home.

My friends in Belfast, that leering, freewheeling carnival of drunkards, chain smokers, hedonists and avowed bastards, they will remain my friends till the day I die. Rest assured I will make arrangements in the future to unleash them sporadically on an unsuspecting America. Unfortunately my memories of spending winters in the pub, ensconced with my fellow miscreants in the snug, pints clutched in hands will remain just that, memories.

Choosing citizenship sacrifices a lot, but there is much to gain.

Since arriving in the colonies, I have found a new circle of friends, certainly not as depraved as the ones I left behind, but I hold them in equally high regard. The last month would have been unbearable without them. The people here are hardworking, compassionate, and they don't throw rocks at people.

I have, for the first time in my life, a job that I truly enjoy, even though it will not make me rich.

My mother cannot mother me as much.

However, even with all this in mind I was still undecided.

Until last night, when the America that I read about in my history books, the land of hope and liberty, looked me in the eye and told me that I can.

As soon as I am eligible I plan on applying for Citizenship. I will pay my fee, take my test and recite my oath with pride.

And in 2012 I can finally vote for Barack Obama.

Who was that masked idiot?

So what is next for me in my bumbling international quest to elevate foolishness to an art form?

I have a list!

I need to get a place, I can stay here for a month or two, but its a tiny house and its filled with all sorts of sentimental crap that makes me feel like I've been punched in the gut every time I take my eyes away from the monitor for more than 5 seconds. Jason and Bobby seem to be on board with the apartment idea, but I need somewhere that takes pets so that I may bring my wee mad bastard (the one on my shoulder)

I also need to get my shit together and learn how to drive. Being born and raised in a city (and 30 yards from a bus stop no less) I have never needed nor wanted to drive. Now the ability to cart my own lazy ass around town would come in handy, so I need to stop procrastinating and get down to the wretched DMV or whatever acronym it goes by here and get my learners permit.

I need to put some time aside to get blind drunk.

I need to get my eyes tested.

I need to go down to Virginia Beach to see the good doctor about going under the knife next year, not looking forward to that one.

I need to sort my finances out. All of my money goes into a joint account right now. Eventually that will have to stop.

I need to figure out what is going on with my green card, wild horses could not drag me back to Belfast.

I need to escape this god damned peninsula.

Obviously I need to get my priorities in order, so the first thing I need to do is buy an electric guitar.

What?

This seems like an odd move for me to make, but if I wait till after I do the other stuff, then I may not be able to get one. I used to play a bit back home, not in a band or anything, just fucking around on my fender in my room for hours on end. I always wanted to do more with it, but I got married instead. This is not a sensible decision, some would argue that it is not a sane decision, myself among them.

But I don't care. I'm buying a guitar, and its going to be fucking badass.

Soooo....

My wife is leaving me. How do you really write about something like that? Its a situation I find myself ill equipped to deal with. I have no frame of reference, and I cant turn it into a sports analogy like the news pundits do because I know nothing about the wacky sports in this country.

I suppose I could write about how I "feel"

When she told me there was someone else I was (naturally) shocked

When I found out he was 19 and in Northern Ireland I was confused

When she bought an 800 dollar plane ticket to go see him I was angry

When she started talking to him on the voice chat while I was in the room I was sad

When I started talking to my friends about getting an apartment together I was excited

When I realized I would be able to make ex-wife jokes I considered a career as a stand up comedian.

I always try to look on the bright side of things, I suppose this means the world is my oyster.

I hate oysters.

The world is my taco.